


you'll never know how many dreams i've dreamed about you

by 40buckys



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 08:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18913552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/40buckys/pseuds/40buckys
Summary: dear steve,okay, i guess that’s how i’m startin’ this. it’s bucky, y’know me. i hate that i’m writin’ this. and i hate that i know what you’re about to do. you may not think i know, but i’m your best friend, and i know you better than anyone. so i need to write this before you leave.





	you'll never know how many dreams i've dreamed about you

**Author's Note:**

> a couple quick notes before reading!!
> 
> 1\. ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!!!!!!! do NOT read if you haven't watched endgame. 
> 
> 2\. this letter sounds as if bucky is speaking, but really it's a handwritten letter.
> 
> 3\. this is supposed to be a letter right before steve goes to put all the stones back.
> 
> 4\. for the sake of this, let's pretend "it's been a long, long time" came out when bucky and steve were teenagers and not in the 1940s lol
> 
> 5\. title of this came from "it's been a long, long time" by harry james

dear steve,

okay, i guess that’s how i’m startin’ this. it’s bucky, y’know me. i hate that i’m writin’ this. and i hate that i know what you’re about to do. you may not think i know, but i’m your best friend, and i know you better than anyone. so i need to write this before you leave.

we were always close. we’ve always been obsessed with each other, in one way or the other. i remember this one night, we were walkin’ down 34th street, and it was in the fall so it was gettin’ a bit chilly outside, and i said i was cold. you took your jacket off, and didn’t let me protest or tell you that you need it more than i did. you just put it over my shoulders, no hesitation, and put your arm around me to warm me up as we kept walkin’. no words were said, we just fell into each other’s warmth, and continued our night. 

when we would have to sleep in the same bed, i would pretend i was sleepin’, but really i closed my eyes until you drifted off, and once you did, i would open ‘em back up and just take in your features. my hand would graze your face, over your lips, and i would just look at you for a little while, in _awe_ at how truly beautiful you are. 

maybe you figured it out, because it’s pretty damn obvious, but i’m in love with you, steve. have been since we were 14. there was this one time where you were talkin’ to this girl, she had clearly been interested in you, and i saw you from afar, havin’ such a good time with her. and i went home and sobbed my fuckin’ eyes out. i dunno for how long, or when i stopped, or why i stopped, but i couldn’t stop cryin’. it was like, after a few minutes, i thought i was done, but the tears wouldn’t stop comin’. i couldn’t figure out why i was so upset. couldn’t figure it out for months.

but then we were together in this clothin’ store, because we were runnin’ to get out of the rain, because it was _pourin’_ , and we both needed to go to the bathroom to dry ourselves off, so we went in together. and _it’s been a long, long time_ started playin’. so i started dancin’, and begged you to join me, and thank god you did. we danced close like idiots, and you looked up at me, and i looked back down to you, and i could feel your eyes scan over my face down to my lips. and mine did the same. i don’t think you ever really realized, but _i_ did, and then i knew exactly why i was cryin’ all those months: it was because i’m in love with you. looking down at you, and dancing to that song, and feeling you so _close_ to me, i couldn’t stop thinkin’ about all the times we spent together where i didn’t realize that i loved you. 

and i was hopin’ to feel relieved after, but that wasn’t happenin’. god, i wanted to kiss you so much in that moment, but you pulled back, not knowin’ that i was thinkin’ of you in that way, laughed, and said we should see how bad the rain still is. 

i knew you loved me. you cared for me, how no one else ever did. but i knew you _fallin’ in love with me_ would’ve never happened. you just never thought of me in that way. which, obviously hurt, so fuckin’ bad, but what the hell was i supposed to do? so instead of leavin’ our friendship in the past, i had to do what was right, and that was to accept that you weren’t gonna love me back, and work through it anyway. i stood by your side, never telling you how i felt. and it hurt. but i know it was the right thing to do.

flash forward 10 or so years, and you meet peggy. and every word you spoke to her, every glance you gave her, they all killed me. but i stood there and let you fall in love, as you deserved to, because again, it was the _right thing_ to do. 

i cried so many nights for you. all i wanted was to be in your arms, to tell you how fuckin’ much i wanted to kiss you, and make you feel good, and be together. but i knew it would ruin everythin’. so i kept it to myself.

but now, you’re about to go back to her. and while it’s gonna hurt like fuckin’ hell, i will be happy for you. and i won’t show that i’m upset, because i know you wouldn’t do it if you knew i was upset. because you care about me. and i’m grateful for that. 

i’m gonna miss you so much, steve. i won’t say i wish you could’ve known all this, because i’m _glad_ you didn’t, but i wish you loved me back. but you don’t, and i know that you never would have, and that’s _okay_. just know that i will always love you. always. cause _i’m with you ‘till the end of the line_.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading!! finally i posted something that wasn't thorbruce lol
> 
> pls leave comments i rly appreciate it!!
> 
> my tumblr is [@vex-ahhlia](https://vex-ahhlia.tumblr.com/) n my twitter is [@mcufjlms](https://twitter.com/mcufjlms/)


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